Dirty Daddy: The Chronicles of a Family Man Turned Filthy Comedian Read online

  Dedication

  For my brilliant and understanding daughters

  CONTENTS

  Dedication

  INTRODUCTION: We Are What We Are

  CHAPTER 1: A Life of Free Association

  CHAPTER 2: Death and Comedy Are Closely Related

  CHAPTER 3: The Loss of Two Great Women

  CHAPTER 4: Surviving Stand-up

  CHAPTER 5: As One Door Opens

  CHAPTER 6: Parenting My Own and Other People’s Kids

  CHAPTER 7: The Bipolar World of Family Television

  CHAPTER 8: Things I Shouldn’t Have Done

  CHAPTER 9: The Ten-Years Theory

  CHAPTER 10: The Aristocrats, Entourage, and Getting Roasted

  CHAPTER 11: Relationships I’d Rather Not Talk About

  CHAPTER 12: Falling Upward, or What It’s Like to Be Loved and Hated

  CONCLUSION: Missionary Statement

  Author’s Note

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  INTRODUCTION

  WE ARE WHAT WE ARE

  As a kid I often heard from my mom, as well as from the teachers in every school I attended, that I needed to behave myself and watch how I spoke. Apparently I was a mischievous little bastard. By the time I started out in stand-up at seventeen, I was careful about my language; this helped me get on television shows and go on the road opening for musicians like Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons and Kenny Loggins.

  But one day in my early twenties, I snapped. I didn’t want to disappoint my mom, but I couldn’t take the censorship of it all. Some of the comedians who fascinated me the most—Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, and Richard Pryor—had also felt oppressed by the things you could and couldn’t say in public.

  On Conan O’Brien’s show he once asked me how I was able to keep it together through my eight years on Full House and not say the wrong things in front of all the child actors. I explained that I would occasionally lose it while we were shooting and arbitrarily yell out things like “Cock! Shit! Fuck!”

  It was a planned “bleep,” a setup so Conan could ask me on the air something he’s always asked me on his show: “What is the matter with you?”

  We were being funny with that exchange, but there’s a deeper truth behind it. It’s why people go into a life of comedy in the first place. When you’re told not to do something, unfortunately, for some of us, is exactly when you do it. No means no. But not to a comedian.

  In my career I’ve had the fortune of being able to work continually in radically diverse creative worlds. By day I’ve done some of the most family-friendly TV imaginable. Then, often in the same day, I’ve gone onstage in the L.A. comedy clubs and whirled off with an adolescent’s delight about my grandma’s projectile diarrhea.

  That in itself could, by many psychiatrists’ standards, be a bit of a call for help. I never do it to shock anyone, even though people have sometimes thought of me as a shock comic. If it is a through-line or a constant to what I do, it’s not something I’m proud of. But I’m not ashamed of it either. It’s more of a handicap. Or, depending on your perspective, a gift. It’s what I used to think of as my mania. Now I’ve come to embrace it. You have to love yourself. But not in a movie theater, because they will tabloid your ass.

  Mostly I’ve just always done what I found funny, strange as it may seem. Immature taboo humor (good immature taboo humor) always made me laugh. I love all kinds of humor, but my love of “sick silliness” started with my dad—whom you’ll hear a lot more about—and his constant dick jokes. He was a grown-up who said things a nine-year-old like me always wanted to say because I was told not to.

  Joking has also been a means for me to avoid pain. I’ve lost a lot of people, and throughout my childhood—almost every two years—someone in my family died at an unnaturally young age. The more tragedy befell us, the more odd gallows humor I would release. My humor, especially once I started doing it professionally, was always dark and twisted. Like your penis if you accidentally slammed it in the door of a car.

  This book is about how that humor helped me survive. It’s been inside me for a long time. It has congealed. I am writing what comes out of me. Well, not exactly, or this would be a book about “leakage.”

  The goal of living a full life is so, at its end, you’ll have learned some things along the journey. I’m nowhere near the end yet, but I’ve already had some incredible experiences. I’ve met and worked with some amazing people, I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve cried . . . and through it all, I did it my way. In this book I’ll talk about many of the people I’ve known in my life and in the worlds of comedy and entertainment. Some of them are still around; many are not.

  I’ve had some dark times, but the thing about dark times is there has to be light at the end of the tunnel. And one great thing about being a man is you can go to bed depressed and feeling negative, but when you wake up in the morning, through no effort of your own, you’ve got a nice display of morning wood to let you know it’s the start of a new day. You could be waking up next to the love of your life, or the girl your buddy told you not to talk to the night before because she was a drunken evil vortex. Or you could be totally alone in bed and not sure if you want to get up yet—but he’s up. Like a sundial catching the first ray of morning light, casting its shadow on your stomach. Or if you have a tiny penis, casting its shadow directly next to itself, hardly a shadow at all. Or if you have a choad, which I’m told is a penis that is wider than it is long, and you were hoping to use it as a sundial but only had, say, an inch of length to it . . . you could still be proud to look at that tiny stump of wood in the middle of the day and declare to the universe, “It’s one o’cock!”

  No matter what the size of your penis, what matters most is not size, it’s honesty, and yes, I’m switching to deep sincerity, that’s right, from penis size to what really matters in life . . . the stuff a lot of people take for granted: health, family, friends, human kindness, a love for all living things, and being honest and true.

  “Honesty,” as Billy Joel says, “is such a lonely word.” And I don’t think he’s referring to honesty in regard to penis size—unless yours is truly gigantic, in which case, if you are a compassionate man, have you ever thought of being a donor? Like when you fill out your driver’s license form and sign off your organs to science, you could hypothetically, if they allowed it, leave your penis to someone who could use the extra inch-age. “I’d like to leave my lungs to the American Lung Association and my penis to Marcus, an eighteen-year-old man who awkwardly wanted to talk to me once at a urinal in the Phoenix airport.”

  As you can see, I have a tough time writing too many words in a row without a dick joke thrown in. Or a shit joke. Or a combination of the two, which you shouldn’t do, because as all the great philosophers say, “You can get an infection.”

  My fear at this point is that this book will not be taken seriously, or for some, it may be taken too literally. If the latter is the case, I recommend you see a shrink. I know there are readers of this who probably don’t normally read books; they are fans of comedy. I would be remorseful if seventeen-year-old boys who have read just this introduction so far have already turned the book into a drinking game—taking a shot every time the word penis is mentioned. For the safety of those young people, whom I have huge concern for, as they are our future, I’d like to hereby change the drinking game cue word to shart—a hybrid word (shit + fart), which sadly secures no points in Words with Friends.

  You will come across an ample amount of sharting
in the chapters that follow. Maybe not as many as you will penises. But that just means you won’t get quite as drunk. Sharting, as a term at least, is relatively new, but penises have been around forever, and penis humor is what my dad and various other weird mentors in my life imparted upon me as a way of dealing with all of life’s pain and challenges.

  When I say humor has helped me survive, I don’t mean survival in terms of, say, the Holocaust. Nor in terms of getting stuck in a mountain chasm and having to cut your own arm off in order to stay alive. And for sure this book is not about surviving in the way our reality-TV culture portrays it.

  If you are reading this, it means you are a survivor too—you have survived the first pages of a book by me. I am honored you have chosen to spend some of your precious time doing so, and in the following chapters I will share with you my stories of humor, inspiration, and uncontrollable sloppy loud flatulence, if that’s where your entertainment nut lies.

  Personally, my entertainment nut lies to the side, underneath my laptop as I type this. And to be honest, that is not an easy position to be in. I had no idea writing a book would involve so much pain. The pain of my nut—in fact, both of them—being heated under my hard drive. Odd it’s called a hard drive considering I am flaccid while I write. Well, usually.

  It’s cool to me that it takes so long to write a book. My only concern is that as I type my hard drive may heat up and start making that sound like teeth grinding. I’m not worried about the hard drive; I’m worried that after the many months it will take to write this book, the sound will be actually coming from my testicles. That they could possibly be eating themselves. A very wise man once said, “Eat thyself.” Okay, no wise man ever said that. I doubt anyone ever said that. And if they had been able to say that, they wouldn’t have been able to hear it because they were munching on themselves. Baron von Munchimself.

  I apologize. I don’t want to open by dwelling on lascivious stream-of-consciousness adolescent ramblings. So I’ll return to them shortly. You may want to sit down for this. Or put on a gimp suit, zip it up all the way, and have your Dominant strap you into a recliner and read it to you in its entirety while occasionally feeding you Top Ramen noodles so your blood sugar doesn’t drop. I must have you in top physical condition while you are ingesting this material.

  Chapter 1

  A LIFE OF FREE ASSOCIATION

  Before I dive in, I should give you a heads-up that my book, like my life, does not always proceed in a linear fashion. When I write—whether it be stand-up, or scripts, or graffiti on the sides of a high school, or a Sharpie self-portrait on a biker’s ass—I enjoy free-associating, just hitting on any subject that somehow pops into my mind. Underpants. I don’t give a thought to how the synapses fire. Deviated septum. I enjoy it, like riffing in my stand-up. Detached retina. It’s a skill of mine that is fun to employ. Like performing improvisational jazz must be for musical people. Come to think of it, there are probably a lot of jazz musicians with detached retinas. For them, I will record this book on tape with pure conviction.

  So yeah, my writing and thinking are not very linear. Polyp. Neither is my life in general. Barium. I’m going to pop back and forth in time a lot in this book. I’ll try to not get too Cloud Atlas’y on your ass, but just stick with me. Events happen to us every day that jolt us back to an earlier time, to a nightmarish moment from high school or a poignant memory of our parents.

  When I started in stand-up at a very young age, I was even more into free association and random word combos. My material at the time was often dark and came from the fact that I moved a lot as a kid. The first ten minutes of material I wrote, when I was seventeen—which I also used on my first talk-show appearances, such as The Merv Griffin Show—started like this: “I have no friends and I have no life and I live in a moped. My mother is Gumby and my father is Pokey and I’m Mr. Potato Head.”

  Comedians’ first ten minutes usually stay with them the first several years of their career. It’s their mission statement. Their disclaimer that lets people know who they are. Or were. It’s also a good time to make fun of your name if you have a funny or strange one. My last name rhymed with some obvious words. Woohoo. In a way, it’s a good thing for a comedian to just have the worst last name possible: “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome . . . Jimmy Uterus.” You would never have to ask him where he’s from.

  When I see or hear my stuff from back then, I can’t believe how manic my style was. Always irreverent and fast-paced. Too fast, like I was running from something. Which I was. My childhood. [Sound effects: record screech]

  So I guess that’s where I should begin this book, with a few moments from my childhood that seemed to form the comedy person I eventually became. It was a long time ago but I sometimes still feel like a kid, even though I know all too well I’m not one anymore. I know this because I’ll occasionally wake up in the middle of the night and find one of my toes has broken off under the sheets in the corner of the bed. Age does things to a man’s body parts. Sometimes I’ll put a couple of my broken-off toes on ice with Bacardi, lie back in my Barcalounger, and watch So You Think You Can Dance. (Shouldn’t that show have put a question mark at the end of the title?)

  When I was a kid, my mother told me, “When you grow up, not everyone is going to like you.” And I told her, “I need names.” Well, I have them now. I have a list. But I can’t use all of the people’s real names in this book because they will come after me and castrate me. And I need my balls because I am still a relatively young man. In my head, a very young man.

  In fact, this may be overly personal, but one of my testicles is younger than the other. I came out right ball first and it dragged the second one out minutes later. My left ball is always posturing to my right ball because he knows he’s younger, so he likes to rub it in my right ball’s face. Sometimes, and this may be superstitious on my part, they rub against each other, and it brings me luck. A few times, I’ve come into money this way.

  All balls aside, rethinking it, perhaps it is okay for me to mention some of the names of people in this book if they are now deceased, as long as I attempt to speak of them respectfully. My intention is only to bring up people who seemed to like me. Shorter list. I’ve met so many remarkable people so far, coming up through stand-up all these years, who just aren’t alive anymore. Because they are dead. Some really great people who helped change my life and career, people like Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Rodney Dangerfield, Johnny Carson.

  And those are just some iconic comedy names I’m dropping. In my personal life, I’ve lost some of my true heroes, my closest people: my two sisters, four uncles, my dad, many friends, and a goat my father bought for two zuzim, which translates into half a shekel, an unheard-of good deal for a goat those days. My father bought that goat for the family but it proved to like my mother better than him, always headbutting my dad’s ass and yelling, “Maahaaa.”

  In this day and age, if a person in a civilized place were to go to the market and buy a live goat and take it home, they might not be taking it home to eat it, if you know what I mean. That’s right, there are some sick goat fuckers out there. You read about it every day. Well, probably not every day. But I guess you could read about it every day if you set your Google alert to “sick goat fuckers.” But I wouldn’t suggest doing that if you aren’t one.

  Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, once wrote, “If you love someone, set them free; if they come back, they’re yours, if they don’t, they never were.” But what if you’re one of those people who set their Google Alert to “sick goat fuckers”? What then? Sure, you may be all by yourself in the yard crying out loud, “But I love Daisy so much, why did I listen to Richard Bach? I miss my Daisy!” Shame on you, on your knees, weeping like a little girl all alone in a field over a goat! If that’s you, I’m here to tell you: Stop it! That’s one of God’s creatures. Let it be with its own kind. You go and get yourself some cheap therapy at a nearby clinic and start looking for someone mo
re like yourself—a human. Something without cloven hooves.

  Sorry about that digression. See what I mean? That’s a typical demon of mine. Not a bad demon, if there’s such a distinction, just a fallback to deal with hurt. As soon as I go into a dark subject, like discussing the people I’ve loved and lost, I off-road into absurdist comedy perversion. It’s both a means of protection and a kind of denial, a blessing and a curse. Wait, it’s not a blessing at all. I guess it would be a bad habit and a curse. Some people spout clichés for no reason, just because it’s how we’re trained by society. “Look for the silver lining,” a lovely and hopeful cliché. But some things don’t have a silver lining.

  At least that one’s better than “It was meant to be.” That’s what someone says after something terrible happens, as a way of rationalizing or making themselves feel better. That crane fell off that forty-story building and landed on Aunt Betty because it was “meant to be.” So it was preordained the day Aunt Betty was born, from their point of view, that at some time in her life a giant crane would fall off the roof and crush her flat? And that’s okay, because it was meant to be? I don’t look at life that way. I think things just happen to people. That’s healthier, I feel, than believing there’s some grand scheme where your story is already inscribed in the Book of Life. Books get rewritten. This one definitely got rewritten and this is still what I wound up with. I’m looking up at this moment, making sure there are no cranes in sight.

  George Carlin was so eloquent in pointing out clichés . . . “He’s out walkin’ the streets. You hear this when a murderer gets paroled from prison. Guy’ll say: ‘Now, instead of being in prison, this guy is out walkin’ the streets.’ How do we know? Maybe he’s home watching TV.”

  George was very kind to me when I moved to L.A. in 1978 when I was twenty-two. Always asked me how it was going, asked me if I “saw the light at the end of the tunnel.”